Correction

In my last post, I said I did not condone what Hunter did. While letting that remark stand, I'd also like to clarify what I meant without getting to deep into a very emotionally charged subject with vast religious and philosophical overtones.

In general, I don't condone suicide. I'm pretty sure I'm in agreement with a lot of people when I say that. Its a bad thing and the language we use to talk about it reflects that. Often words like "senseless" and "selfish" and "cowardly" get thrown about when suicide is discussed. Let me say this though - while those words might be applicable in a general sense, not all suicides are created equal and none are the same. Depending on circumstance suicide can be senseless or it can also be a very lucid final act of control, especially when the life you want to live is no longer possible. So, while I don't condone it, I can, in some instances, respect the choice. From what I've been reading, the general take on Hunter's death seems to be the latter - an act of control.

Sometimes I think its a desperate escape. In the summer of 1985 (does my memory fail me?) my friend Dave R. and I found out that a our good friend Dan had killed himself. Dan had moved to the Carolina's with his family months before and he was going to school down there and he had a girlfriend he'd met down there. We were still in school but it was near the end because all of the trees were green and it was really warm out. Dave had got the news from a phone call at school and told me. I remember being shocked and devasted. We just walked out of school, right past the principal who said nothing to us and out into the brightness of the day. We found a six pack and drank in the woods near his house and just talked. I can't remember what about exactly but it was about what you would expect -- ruminations on the meaning of life and just remembering Dan. Later on some details came to us, like how Dan had hung himself in the basement of his house. That he had leaned into the rope and that his knees were almost touching the ground. At any second while he was stil conscious, all he had to do was stand up. He never did. I also heard some rumors about his homelife that were said to be a factor but it was all basically heresay so I can't speak to that. I can't say for Dan what it was - senseless or a choice. The younger you are, the more senseless it seems. There's still potential and the life story is hardly written at 15. Your problems are workable. How horrible to be in a place where you can't see that anymore.

Months later I recalled a brief conversation with Dan. He had already moved and was up visiting for a bit. We had been drinking (go figure that one) and we were hoofing through the woods somewhere from point A to point B and just talking and making jokes and remarks back to one another. Finally I remember Dan had said something that night about killing himself. It was so casual and off the cuff, and we were both so drunk that I just dismissed it right away with "Don't be fucking stupid. There's a lot to live for." and we just continued our night of getting buzzed without thinking about it or talking about anymore. When I finally remembered that conversation, I felt guilty for a while that I had not said or done more. I'm great at blaming myself. Its even probably a little self centered of me to think that I could have made a difference somehow.

Dave and I have since drifted apart for whatever reason and aside for some bad poetry I wrote in college, Dan rarely comes to my mind.

Dave R. - if you are out there and see this, shoot me an email. I hear you are nurse working on a medi-vac helo crew. That's great to hear. So if you feel like it - give me a shout.