Harper's Classified Weirdness

I picked up Harper's on a lark at Hudson's newsstand in Grand Central last night and casually flipped through it on the train, managing an article or two before hitting White Plains. Nothing great. Basically I'm finding it a bit boring. Not willing to just trash my $5.95, I gave it a second chance this morning. Right away I found myself at the classifieds, since I tend to flip through magazines backwards looking for items of interest. Now I know any news or lit rag with classifieds always attracts a few racy odds and ends and my attention span is short short first thing in the morning, so I stop to take a look. Harper's classifieds do not disappoint, though they are missing that sex position foam pad ad that's everywhere these days. First, I notice:

FEMINIST PIN UPS: Powerwomen, Soldier, Policewomen etc.

Not bad. Somehow fitting for Harper's. I catch myself wondering if the Army's mud wrestling enlisted women are featured... Then I get to the education section to find this little ad with a Yahoo email as the only contact information:

DEPT OF EDUC. GESTAPO TACTICS: Scaring elderly, low income citizens into paying on bogus, non-verifiable loans.

Wow. That's pretty ballzy. Either its recruiting people to scare elderly people or this guy thinks that the Dept. of Education is like the Gestapo and scaring the elderly into paying on loans. Who knows, maybe Harper's classified is a sordid underbelly of recruitment for grifters? Then we slip into the truly oddly disturbing an inch or so over in the next column. This ditty appears under the heading of Human Rights:

RACISM-GAINESVILLE, FLORIDA! Strange Fruit hanging from the Gainesville Poplar Trees. Contact (same guy as the preceding ad!)

My knee jerk reaction is that a white supremacist org is recruiting in Harper's of all things and looking to fund itself by ripping off old people! What the hell?! On the other hand, maybe someone knows about racist attacks in Gainesville and heavy handed tactics by the Dept. of Ed.? Either way, though a bit disturbing, those classifieds proved way more intriguing so far than the sleep inducing abstract trippiness of Daniel Mason's story entitled "A Registry of My Passage Upon The Earth" which has a kind of a The Sound and The Fury point of view thing going in on it. I'm too tired to figure it out.

The same classifieds are not on Harper's online. Perhaps they removed them and the intern that missed them the first time around has been properly disciplined and relegated to loading the stapler for the on-staff post modernist deconstructionist critic?

Oh yeah, one more ad, this one right after someone pimping a philosophically slanted baseball rag and before another selling remote viewing tips:

PROVACTIVE SPANKING EROTICA: Our "Prep-School Punishments" feature both a rebellious co-ed and a sophisticated female teacher being spanked by handsome faculty members

Imagine that! A rebellious co-ed AND a sophisticated female teacher! How the hell does that work? You finish up some articles about strip mining in West Virginia, Social Security and peruse a few Readings and then...well you must just feel like getting your spank on? That has to be it or the ads wouldn't be there. Luv it.